Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
