'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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