Your mouth is God's brothel.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
