i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
