booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
