oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
