It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
