and you said cock pushups were impossible
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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