On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
