First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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