Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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