Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
