Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
