Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
