The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
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