I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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