I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
