no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
