you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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