i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
