Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
