Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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