he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
