So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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