It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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