Your face is a jimmy john
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Randomize
