You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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