He kissed a someone with a penis
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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