I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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