Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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