So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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