he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
