you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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