Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
