she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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