i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
