She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
