He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
do herpes really smell.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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