All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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