apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
