She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
