Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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