She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
