Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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