Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
