don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
