She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Randomize
