So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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