We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
It's official drugs can't kill me
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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