i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Too much gin, very little bucket
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
