my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
