if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
