Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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