Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
