I cannot find my penis.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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