your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
