"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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