My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
