she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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