I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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