Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
