I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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