I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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